MarriageTweets

Just over 10 years ago, Dr Gottman published some startling findings of longitudinal research that made him famous. After watching couples interact for a mere 15 minutes in the love lab, he could predict with about 90 per cent accuracy if they would divorce within six years. This week Dr Gottman and his wife and therapist partner, Julie, were in Sydney to run workshops organised by Relationships Australia. “Look for the repair attempt made by the husband and see if she rejects it,” he tells the audience of 150 relationship counsellors as the miserable couple loomed into focus on a big screen. “Gottman is the guru of marriage research and counselling,” says Anne Hollonds, chief executive of Relationships Australia. “It’s like the Pope coming to Sydney.” ”In a good relationship, people do get angry, but in a very different way,” Dr Gottman says. “The masters see a problem a bit like a soccer ball. They kick it around. It’s ‘our’ problem.” They deal with conflict gently and are also more responsive to “sliding door moments” - bids by one partner for an emotional connection. It can be as simple as a husband drawing his wife’s attention to the sunset. Does she look up or keep reading her book? Enough positive responses build emotional intimacy.